


Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide

by planetarydaydream



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Azkaban, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29009502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetarydaydream/pseuds/planetarydaydream
Summary: Sirius reminisces over his life while he sits in Azkaban.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 8





	Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide

Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your 

mouth

You pull on your finger, then another 

finger, then cigarette

The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then 

you forget

Ohhh, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

The water crashed against the outside of the fortress. It sounded like there was a storm going on outside. It had been a week now, since Halloween. Sirius marked each day on the wall, trying to stay sane. With each day, everything became worse. But Sirius knew that he had to stay sane, for Remus. And for Harry. He wondered where Harry was living. Maybe with McGonagall. Or perhaps the Weasleys. 

Sirius knew he had to think of happy memories, to fend off the dementors. It was becoming more and more difficult. His recollection seemed to grow more vague with every moment spent in his cell. There were things, people, he couldn’t bear to let his mind wander to, their memories so tainted with sadness, grief and guilt. So he thought of Remus.

—

There was no light pollution, out in the Scottish Highlands where Hogwarts was conveniently situated, practically in the middle of nowhere. And there were no clouds that night, it was perfect conditions for stargazing. 

Sirius often found himself wandering the halls of Hogwarts when he was unable to sleep. And he usually ended up at the astronomy tower. It was peaceful, and quiet, and the sky helped take his mind off things. He stood on the balcony, gazing out past the mountains. Then, he heard something. He whipped around, wand ready, only to drop it as soon as he saw Remus, padding towards him.

“Moony? What are you doing here?”

“I heard you leave,”

“Sorry! Did I wake you up?” Sirius asked, concerned, as the full moon was only two days away.

“No, I was reading,” Remus said, coming out into the balcony. He pulled a cigarette out of his cardigan pocket, put it to his lips and quickly lit it with his wand. “You okay?”

“I’m fine. Can’t sleep,” 

“Me either,” Remus supplied, offering him the cigarette. Sirius took it gratefully. They were so close together now, he could feel Remus’s jumper against his skin. Feeling bold, he took Remus’s hand in his as they both looked skyward.

“Re, I—“ Sirius started.

“Tell me if I’m wrong but—“ Remus pressed his lips against Sirius in an unexpected, but not unwelcome kiss. It was short and sweet, and Remus broke it off quickly. Sirius was in a state of shock. He had somehow gotten Moony to like him. The way he had liked Moony for so long, but had been too afraid to act on it.

Remus turned away, his eyes glistening slightly. Sirius quickly snapped out of his daze, pulled Remus back towards him, and kissed him again, this time longer, and more passionate and—

—

A shriek sounded through the hollow walls of Azkaban. This wasn’t uncommon. This shriek was particularly blood curdling and sent a shiver down his spine, leaving his good memory behind.

You're too old to lose it, too young to 

choose it

And the clock waits so patiently on your 

song

You walk past a cafe, but you don't eat 

when you've lived too long

Oh, no, no, no, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

It wasn’t hard to get lost in one’s thoughts here. It was so incredibly easy, like slipping into a pool on a hot day when the water’s just right. You just had to be sure they were your thoughts, not the corrupted ones that seemed to play in Sirius’s head whenever a Dementor was nearby.

—

“We’re getting married!” James shouted, unable to contain his glee.

“Congratulations!” said Remus, smiling at James and Lily.

James looked to Sirius, almost concernedly. Sirius realized he hadn’t reacted. So he simply smirked.

“I never thought this day would come when you told me your wedding plans with Evans in third year, but here we are,”

“Third year?” Lily said, raising her eyebrows. James blushed.

“Oh yes. He talked about it quite often. How you would have a bouquet of lilies, you know, because you’re Lily, and how the cake would be vanilla with Italian buttercream—“

James pushed Sirius off the arm of the sofa where he had been sitting. Sirius fell to the ground, but rolled over and continued.

“And you were going to dance to Something by The Beatles because you heard Lily humming it one time and they were the only muggle band you had listened to!”

James burrows his face in his hands in mock embarrassment, but Lily smiled at him. 

“I love that song, maybe we should dance to it,” she said. At this, James genuinely grinned, the one he reserved only for Lily.

“But really, I’m happy for you mate,” Sirius said sincerely. 

Suddenly James’s face lost it’s colour. He lost his smile and looked cold. James was never cold or callous. Lily seemed to fade to. Sirius realized what was happening. He heard a baby’s cry coming from somewhere. No, Harry hadn’t been born yet. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. It wasn’t supposed to happen at all. But then Remus was gone, and Peter was gone too, and Sirius was alone with the corpses of his friends once again. 

—

Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble 

across the road

But the day breaks instead, so you hurry 

home

Sirius’s whole body shook from the demented memory. He tried to fix it, in his mind. That wasn’t how that day was meant to go. There was meant to be champagne, and hugs, and board games, and smiles. Sirius stumbled through the rest of the recollection. The clinking of the glasses, the game of Life that had been won by Lily, as per usual, Peter had left early, letting a cold breeze waft through the air, making Remus, who was already bundled in not one but two jumpers, shiver uncontrollably, and Sirius had then moved to share the large red and gold throw blanket with him. That night had been so perfect.

Don't let the sun blast your shadow

Don't let the milk float ride your mind

They're so natural, religiously unkind

Oh no, love, you're not alone

—

“He can’t keep doing this! You were on a mission just three days ago, for fuck’s sake, your wounds haven’t even properly healed yet!” Remus shouted. Sirius visibly flinched. He had to remember, Moony was mad a Dumbledore, not him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Fucking hell, I just hate when you’re gone,” Remus said, softly.

“I know Moons, I know. I’m sorry too,” Sirius pulled Remus into a tight embrace.

—

That had been the night Sirius left for three days, trailing after Death Eaters, trying to find more information, something, anything that could give true order a much needed advantage. That was the mission where Sirius got absolutely nothing except a few curses and three nights with Remus lost. Time was was so important then. They never knew how much of it they’d have.

You're watching yourself, but you're too 

unfair

You got your head all tangled up, but if I 

could only make you care

Sirius had lost track of the days spent in Azkaban. He wasn’t sure how it had happened, he had been ardent on making sure to count. It was probably because he was spending more and more time as Padfoot. It was easier that way. Still, he knew he couldn’t stay as Padfoot all the time. He wasn’t sure what would happen if he did, but it probably wouldn’t be too good. He shifted back into human form, and blinked rapidly as the colours came back. Though it wasn’t as much of a shock as normal, there weren’t many colours in Azkaban. 

Sirius felt the ache of the guilt seeping in. It was his fault. His fault the Potters had died. His fault Peter got away. It was all his fault. He wanted to scream but didn’t want to give the Dementors any satisfaction. He knew he needed something to take his mind off all of that.

—

“Don’t call me that, Sirius. You lost that right when you walked out of Grimmauld,”  
spat Regulus.

“But Reggie— Regulus, I... I’m sorry! I tried to get you to come with me! And it’s not too late!”

“Can’t you see? It is too late,” Regulus said softly, pulling up his sleeve to reveal the dark mark that now covered his pale wrist.

“Oh Reg—“

“I’ve got to go! Goodbye!” Regulus said turning down the hall, leaving Sirius on the verge of tears.

—

No. No! Not that memory. Not the last time he had spoken to his brother. He needed to remember the brighter times.

Oh no, love, you're not alone

No matter what or who you've been

No matter when or where you've seen

All the knives seem to lacerate your brain

I've had my share, I'll help you with the 

pain

—

“Sirius?” said someone, walking into Sirius’s library hide out. Sirius had clearly been crying, and he tried to wipe his face with his sleeve. This nook was where he would sometimes go when he needed to be alone. It was in a darker corner of the large library, between shelves of books that bore layers of dust so thick he could barely read their spines. 

“Go away!” he said, trying to sound forceful, but his voice was wobbly and broken. Sirius cringed. 

“It’s me, Moony,”

“Oh, sorry Moons,” Sirius sniffed.

Remus sat down beside him, and then pulled him into a hug.

“You okay?”

“Reggie, he has the dark mark,” 

“It’s not your fault,”

“But—“

“I know that’s what you’re thinking, but I’m telling you it’s not. You had no way of knowing he’d join up,” Remus said softly, coming his finger’s through Sirius’s hair.

“I... I know,” Sirius conceded. “It’s just— he’s my little brother,”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you both had to go through that,”

They sat like that, in each other’s arms, for a good five minutes while Sirius finished crying.

“How’d you find me, anyway?” Sirius said, changing the subject once he regained composure. Remus saw what Sirius was doing, but clearly decided to just go with it anyways. 

“Well, I distinctly remember finding you here before, back in first year. And,  
I am in possession of a magic map,” Remus smirked.

“Right. Who knew I was so predictable? It seems as though my antics are getting old, however will I cope? I must find some new ways to baffle everyone,” Sirius said dramatically.

Remus rolled his eyes. “You know what they say, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,”

Sirius stuck out his tongue. “Are they going to be looking for us?”

“I told them I’d find you. I’m sure no one’s expecting us for a while,” said Remus.

“Come on, let’s go to the astronomy tower,” Sirius suggested, getting up from his seat on the floor. He pulled Remus up as well, and took the other boy’s hand in his, as they made their way through the castle.

—

You're not alone

Just turn on with me, and you're not alone

Let's turn on and be not alone

Gimme your hands, 'cause you're 

wonderful

Gimme your hands, 'cause you're 

wonderful

Oh, gimme your hands

Sirius then decided to go to sleep. There wasn’t much else to do in here, and he figured he’d be here for a while, and may as well spend as much time as possible unconscious. So he slowly drifted off, praying to Merlin that he wouldn’t get any nightmares.

—

“Remus?” Sirius said, as the two men sat on the couch in their small flat, Remus braiding Sirius’s hair.

“Yeah, Pads?”

“I love you, do you love me?”

“Of course, I love you,” Remus said softly.

“Then, will you marry me?” Sirius asked, speaking in barely a whisper. But Remus heard, and his eyes filled with tears. For a moment, Sirius questioned whether he had done something wrong, but then Remus turned and kissed him softly.

“Yes, Sirius, there’s nothing I want more,”

—

However, Sirius awoke to a scream once again, this one low and full of agony. He immediately snapped out of his reverie. That was a dream he had saved, had planned to make true, on Christmas Eve. Now, he was spending Christmas Eve in Azkaban, and Remus... Remus was probably alone too, and so very far away. 

James and Lily, his closest friends were dead. Reggie, his brother, was with the Death Eaters. And Remus, the man he had planned to marry, to live out the rest of his life with, was all alone. 

For the first time since he had gotten here, which seemed like forever ago already, Sirius screamed.


End file.
